Paging Confidence

I was recently told that I have a unique perspective in my writing and that reading my blog is interesting. By someone who isn't my mother. So here it goes again. The floodgates are re-opened. At least to the small trickle of an idea that I have right now.

I'm pretty sure that a lack of self-confidence is a common plague of actors/twentysomethings/artists/people in general. I fall into all four of those categories and sometimes suffer more than my fair share of a lack of confidence. I know I'm the only one who can change that blah blah blah and more on that later.

Last night I auditioned for an improv team. I was very flattered to be invited to audition in the first place, as I don't always feel like I know what I'm doing when it comes to improv. I've been in the program for almost a year and am starting my seventh and final level next week.

When I have auditions for things that aren't improv, I'm excited. I feel comfortable. I usually feel like I have a handle on it and know what I'm doing. I don't always leave the audition feeling like I've rocked it, but I usually feel like it was appropriate for me to be there and that I haven't wasted anyone's time, my own included.

The difference in how I felt leaving last night's audition sort of astonished me. I did the standard self pep-talk on my way in, and the group did a great job of being welcoming and doing warm-ups together to make everyone more comfortable. And then I just felt sort of paralyzed. My mind went blank, which is never really a good thing, but in improv it's sort of antithetical to the point. I was paralyzed by my lack of ideas and by the judgey judgey devil-Lauren in my head that gets amplified when I'm nervous, scared, or generally feeling lost. I left feeling horrendous and embarassed that I was so bad and now all of these people know it.

Today I'm trying to figure out what the difference is between auditioning acting Lauren and auditioning improv Lauren. My comfort level may just reflect the sheer amount of time that I've spent (and not spent) doing each. But I can't wait that long to feel comfortable doing improv.

I always get to this point and feel like I'm just whining.

I want to believe in myself, and I usually do. I think I have an unfortunate reliance on empirical evidence with most things in life, but my "that was good" receptor may not be completely objective. I say may not, but of course it isn't. I've always been ridiculously hard on myself. That isn't objective.

How do you grow confidence? How do you stop watching and judging yourself? One of my acting coaches once said "Judgment blocks creativity." Of course it does, I'm living proof. But how do you stop doing that?

I always feel ridiculous asking those questions, especially since I work in a town and in an industry where if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will. So figuring this thing out is sort of important.

Going to post before I re-read, judge, and edit. What a ridiculous cycle.