My Life in Art

No, I am not purporting to have insights equal to those of Stanislavski. But the title is relevant.

I'm taking an improv class at iO West and it's fantastic. I've never studied improv and it's scary and challenging in the best ways. Our instructor, Paul Vaillancourt, is a wonderful gentle man who happens to be a hilarious improv genius.

Yesterday was our third class, and I was off. During the first two classes, I made mistakes and "said no" (breaking the primary rule of improv) and wasn't great, but I also had some nuggets of goodness. Yesterday I just didn't do anything I felt good about. I found myself taking down the same notes ("Keep it in the present. Personal - make the scene about your relationship to the other person.") as I had written the previous two weeks. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to let those notes sink in. When Paul asked if there were any questions, I asked "How do I learn to listen and how do I get out of my head?" ("Oh, is that all?" Was his response. He's a funny guy.)

After class, Paul asked me to stick around. He asked if I was enjoying the class, and I said yes, very much so. Then he told me that he though I was being too hard on myself, that every time I left the stage during class yesterday my head dropped and I seemed really down. I didn't realize I was being quite so transparent, but that is certainly true. He asked if I was frustrated, and that was when I realized that I was.

Paul said he sees something in me and thinks I can be really good at improv, but that I'm probably having the same problem that he did when he started. "You have some background, right?" he asked, and I said yes. He explained that a lot of times people who have theatre background have to unlearn a lot of things from that before they can really be good at improv. He said the learning curve can be plodding and frustrating and then it just skyrockets.

As is often the case when I'm being paid a compliment by someone I respect, or when an authority figure of sorts is kind to me, I was fighting back tears a little bit while we were talking. I was so touched by what he was saying and by him taking the time to pull me aside. I was a little ashamed that I had worn my emotions so clearly on my sleeve, but that is par for the course for me. As is being too hard on myself.

It's been a rough few weeks, which has been hard on me and the one who has to live with me. (Thank you.) I've been low and spiraling and unable to rally. I don't blame it on the showcase, but I do think my expectations were a bit idealistic. (If it were that easy to get an agent, everyone would have one.) I wasn't prepared for what I would do after the showcase, when I had to keep plugging even without my desired feedback or being immediately cast as the lead in something groundbreaking and huge.

When I was thinking about what Paul said, I realized that I am and up to now have been completely results-oriented. It has served me well, and that way of thinking combined with my ambition and drive are why I am where I am now. My path was curvy, and so is the road ahead, but I never lost sight of what I ultimately wanted, which is to be an actor. I am an actor. And now I have to change my way of thinking.

This town and this career require a shift from results based thinking to process-oriented thinking. Obviously, this is also the best mindset for being receptive to learning, in improv class and in life. But that is a big shift for me. I don't do well when I don't get what I want, and I need to stop focusing on that. I have to enjoy what I'm doing when I'm doing it and stop worrying about whatever comes next. (Which is a catch 22, because in order to stay sane when you're auditioning all the time, you have to leave the room and forget about the audition and say "What's next?" a la Jed Bartlett of the West Wing - you can't dwell. But.)

Which brings me back to my lofty blog title - Paul was talking about improv, reminding us to keep it personal and present - "That's life," he said, "and art imitates life. That's what makes art interesting."

Since moving here, I've been down on my choice, feeling like I had chosen an acting track that wasn't based in the art of theatre, which is what I signed on for. I've certainly had the struggle, which to me is part of the joy of accomplishment when it comes, but I've felt like I didn't have the art. And that's why what Paul said yesterday smacked me in the face.

Improv is art. I am doing art. I am learning art. I am living art. I am art.

I thought I had lost that, and I haven't. It's with me, and it's undeniable, which is why myself and so many of the people I care about most are still doing this thing, in whatever way it is points them towards what will make them happy.

I have to stop being so hard on myself, and I have to get out of my own way. That applies across the board, to all facets of me and my life. But it took Paul saying the word that I've rarely heard since moving here - art - to remind me that I am pursuing my dream - I am living my life in art.

I forgot that. I won't let it happen again.