Theatre in LA makes me say GAH!!!!

I should clarify.

"Directors" in Los Angeles who think they can just put up a show without having any expertise in or knowledge of directing make me SCREAM.

Saw yet another show that was in desperate need of a director. The "director," to his credit, had some idea of how to cast the show, as I thought 60% of the cast was actually pretty good. But that was where it ended. My friend in the cast said that he never gave them any blocking or direction, they just ran through it. She became the ersatz production coordinator because she made a schedule for rehearsals because she felt bad for the people sitting around every night. Oh, also, this "director" was in the show as well.

I learned some things last night. (Ha! I'm talking about learning again!) This may seem like a conceited statement, and I don't mean it that way - it's more of a confidence thing - but here it is: I no longer doubt that I'm good enough to be an Equity actor. I have oodles of stuff to learn about acting and life and everything else, but I realized that darn it, I am actually good enough. Now I just have to polish myself enough to convince other people of that.

I also realized why I get so upset by unprofessional productions. I love theatre so much that it's physically difficult for me to watch when I feel like it's being bastardized. I am incredibly judgmental and opinionated and stubborn and none of those are necessarily good qualities, but I yam what I yam, and to compound it all, I have pretty high theatrical standards. That isn't to say that I can't pick out the good in a production, but it gave me a little insight into why I walk away feeling bad and then feel incredibly bitchy later when discussing the show with other people who saw it. Bitchy is sort of harsh - let's say nit-picky.

I'm also not a director. It's not my passion nor my area of expertise, and I get frustrated when I see a show that I know I could have directed better. My Directing I class in college wasn't fantastic, but I did learn something.

So there's my rant for today. I know there is good theatre in Los Angeles. I keep reading about good shows and I keep hearing people say how much the theatre here has improved in the last few years. At this point, not only is it a matter of knowing where to go, but having the funds to do so...but hey, it's a tax write off. For me, anyway.

And I'm friends with a lot of good actors. But even good actors need direction. Myself included.

Also, I'm going to steal an idea I saw on another blog - I'm going to post every audition I go on. Should be interesting. Here is today's:

Non-Union Feature - Stephanie in "Skyler"

Warning: Horribly Depressing Story Follows

This is a real downer and you might not want to read it.

On the way to work this morning, I heard this story reported. A few blocks from where I live, a homeless man was doused in gasoline and lit on fire.

The multitude of disturbing things about this are obvious, and I was affected by those just as anyone would be. But my level of disturbed-ness multiplied when they said where this had occurred, and I realized it was eight blocks away. And then I realized that I had walked past this man.

We have two grocery stores in walking distance from our apartment, and last fall I would walk to the one at Vermont and Western. That walk is a fascinating trip into a land of Korean storefronts and El Salvadorean restaraunts nestled between dark and cave-like dive bars. It's not an area I would walk in alone at night, but during the day the trip is always interesting.

I would walk past this homeless man, whose name I now know because of the gruesome way in which he was killed. He was large and always sat on the sidewalk. He did not look good. It was clear to me that he needed medical attention, as seems to be the case with more of the homeless population in this city than in any other I've visited or lived in.

He never asked me for anything and didn't seem to be begging, but I never gave him the chance. I treated him as I usually do in this situation - quickly, head down, avoiding eye contact, giving him as wide a berth as the sidewalk would allow, all the while feeling horrible about myself and society and wondering what would happen if I called him an ambulance.

In Atlanta, I knew where the shelters were. There were at least five places I knew I could direct people, one being the homeless shelter at the church I grew up in. I spent a good number of mornings in high school getting up early to serve breakfast at The Open Door Community and another church that did a pancake breakfast for downtown Atlanta's homeless population. My family's Christmas tradition still includes a sunrise breakfast on Christmas morning with the guests at our church's Night Shelter. I vividly remember a family friend of ours talking about how he always gives money when he can, because you just don't know what they need, and he was willing to take the gamble on what they might spend the money on. I respected that mindset, and even though I didn't usually give money, I could at least give information.

In Los Angeles, I have no idea where the homeless shelters are. I don't know what kinds of services are available. A quick Google search confirms what I already thought was true - Los Angeles has the largest homeless population in the United States.

I am embarrassed that my response to these people who are obviously in need of some assistance is to duck my head and walk faster. There are a few occasions when that decision has to do with being a woman and getting some sort of "danger" feeling, but that is just a small percentage of the time. Usually I just scoot on by, plagued by guilt and shame for about 45 seconds until I move on. The guilt lasts longer if I happen to be carrying a Starbucks cup or lunch from Baja Fresh.

I'm not currently in a position to give money to people - I'm no longer in the position to buy coffee at Starbucks or eat lunch out. But I was involved in Atlanta in ways that required no monetary commitment, and though I knew that my actions were a small drop in a giant bucket, it at least felt good to be a drop.

I'm touched that people who live around me and are probably raising families on salaries lower than mine reached out to John McGraham, the homeless man that I never knew had piercing blue eyes because I never made eye contact with him. What happened to him is unspeakably horrible, but is just another of the horrific inhumanities unleashed on the outcasts of our society as we drive our cars and drink our coffees and scuttle past with our heads down.

I will do my part. The least I can do is make eye contact and acknowledge a fellow human being sharing our world.

I'm sorry, John. May the next life be kinder to you than this one.

Watching Yourself On Film Is Weird

So this is a new experience for me, but something I will have to (hopefully) get used to as an actor. I got a copy of the film I shot last week, and I am full of thoughts.

1) Watching yourself on film is weird.

2) The camera really does add weight.

3) Wearing flannel pajama pants that are already too big does not help with number 2.

4) I have dimples!? I mean, I knew I did sometimes, but really?? That much?

5) I have some moles I should probably get removed.

6) I need to stop dropping my chin.

7) My nerves still manifest in "actor voice." (Thankfully, this went away, but I was cringing in the beginning.)(And I can still hear my mom and my sister telling me "Ugh! You were using that voice!!!")

8) I'm sort of scary.

Those are the trivial things that I was noticing watching myself for the first extended amount of time on film. All in all, it turned out pretty well and I'm excited to have something to start a reel. I'm anxious to get the raw footage and see what some of the other takes were.

And, since this wouldn't be a Living the Dream Blog Post if I didn't talk about what I learned, here is what I learned: I have no problem investing and committing when the stakes are high. The more intense the situation, the better I am at being convincing and being "in it." Which is sort of obvious, I suppose. I've heard "raise the stakes" about fifty-nine thousand times, but that really is what I have to do. I struggle in comedy and sketch scenes because the characters often aren't fleshed out, and I struggle to find what's important in whatever they're doing. I'm just going through the motions, and I do enough to get by. That's bad. Now that I've figured this out and finally had a personal epiphany about what every acting teacher and director will tell you, I really have no excuse.

So it's good. Good learning experience. Fun to see. Good to know about my moles. And dimples.

Speed reel coming soon. (!)

Shooting fun

Shooting on Friday was a total blast and a complete affirmation that this is what I want to be doing with my life.

We shot sequentially, which I appreciated, since there is a pretty strong dramatic build for my character. But I realized that in order to be able to drop in and out of the performance as required for a shoot, you really have to know your character. The only time I've ever been prepared enough was when I was Dessa in Tongue of a Bird for my senior project - I ended up with a stuffed 4-inch binder full of character work and research, and I loved it.

This time around I definitely hadn't done enough of my actor homework, but I think it will still be good. It looked great on the monitor. I can't wait to see it. I got home late and scribbled "This is what I was born to do!!!" in the bottom of my acting journal. Sigh. More, please. And paid would be nice. But that will come. Right now I just want to do it again!!!

Also, it's pretty fun to see actor friends in commercials - showcase friend in a movie thing for Dove Canada, another one is in a TMZ spot right now (which aired during my episode of Trivial Pursuit, which I found amusing), and my friend Rick is the young dad at the beach on the new Cranium commercial. Success of others is good for all!

Opening Night of PS You're A Mess, and a surprise in class

We opened Saturday and rocked it. It went much better than I expected, since we showed up for dress and couldn't get into the theatre because it was double-booked...the people who happened to be in already were very unapologetic and didn't seem concerned with compromise. But we were awesome in spite of them. I had a great contingent of audience members. Don't know who will come to see me the rest of the run, but I loved having my favorite and most supportive peeps there. And it was fun, to boot. I'm still learning how to fully commit and create realities for sketch characters...more actor homework required because less is handed to you. Glad to have things to explore during the run.

I had a totally unexpected breakdown in my improv class on Sunday, of all places. We were doing sense memory exercises, and started with your bathroom sink, then the car, and then your childhood bedroom. Our teacher no sooner said "childhood bedroom" than my eyes pricked with tears, and to my chagrin, kept coming. I cried all the way through the exercise and couldn't stop.

Sense memory is often utilized by actors and teachers precisely because it is such a great way to tap into emotions, but I had never before been so blindsided by what I found. It was scary for several reasons: firstly, because I'm not completely comfortable in my improv class and there is one person in particular in there that I don't trust at all, and secondly because I completely lost control, which is scary for anyone but especially for an actor, at least in this capacity. I can't utilize my own personal emotions for acting if I can't control how affected I am by what I tap in to.

My vast vault of crap I have or haven't dealt with can be a treasure trove, but I want to access it on my own terms. I never expected to become so overwhelmed in improv class.

It made me feel vulnerable, which isn't a bad thing, but as I was sitting there trying not to break into sobs, my brain was also telling me that I clearly had a lot of unresolved stuff that maybe I should re-evaluate. When I could finally talk about it later, I realized that there is a large part of me that is afraid of losing my stuff by coming to terms with it and dealing with it. Part of me feels like as soon as I face and process it, I'll lose it and won't be able to access those feelings anymore.

I don't think this is a completely reasonable idea, but it did originate in my head, along with all the other things I think of daily that may or may not be ridiculous. I need to find a way to own my shit and work through it enough to be functional. I also need to remember that coming to terms with something doesn't mean you throw it away.

Unexpected deep thoughts from LaLa Land today. I guess I'll take them as they come.

Unprofessional

I'm learning about myself, which is good. But some of what I'm learning about myself isn't that good.

I am an unprofessional unprofessional. I'm really good at being professional when I'm being treated as such and all of the people I'm working with are doing the same and acting that way in return. However, I have a very low threshold for unprofessionalism, and it makes me unprofessional in turn. Which isn't good.

Man, that's the second thing on the list of things I have to change about myself. The first being stop lying about the number of things I have to change about myself.

CrazyBusyJazzed

Though the scheduling for the rehearsals of this student film is turning out to be a largish headache, it looks like this guy wants us to do real character work, which makes my excitement mostly surpass my frustration. Yay! Real acting! Now if I can just get him to work with the schedule of my real survival job, we'll be set.

I read a fantastic article today called "How To Be Outstanding," and it contained quite a few gems that I furiously scribbled into my acting journal:

*When you are clear about wanting something, take action towards its attainment, and persist until you reach it, the universe will conspire to make it a reality. Your energy and determination will move people, and they will find ways to help you.

*The roadblocks you encounter on the way to reaching your destination are actually gifts. Treat them as challenges that you were meant to experience and learn from. They are like small tests that the universe presents us with, as if asking: "How badly do you want this? Have you given up yet?"

*When you listen to your heart, follow your passion, and do what you love to do, it's hard not to be outstanding. You're almost guaranteed to succeed.

And the one I most need to heed right now:

*Insecurities and negative self-talk derived from fear achieve nothing, except to convince us that we are failures and losers. These are lies that only appear real in our imagination.

So. Working on things and taking all of that under advisement. Yes, my life is sort of insane right now. But you know what? I'm that much closer to doing what I want to be doing. I'll make more of an effort to remember that instead of thinking about how exhausted I am.

PS You're A Mess

Aren't we though?

A good day

Yesterday was a good day.

It actually started rather poorly, with me oversleeping after getting home from rehearsal at 2am and subsequently being an hour late to work. On the bus to work I got a call from the director of the student film I had been called back for, but since I was on the 720 flying down Wilshire with fifty other people, I didn't answer. I waited an interminably long two minutes and then got the beep to check my voicemail.

I had a missed call that I hadn't seen, and it was from the casting director of a SAG commercial that was looking for swing dancers. I kicked myself, hard, because I hadn't checked my messages when I went straight from the Cricket Feet meeting to rehearsal, and she was no longer accessible by phone, as she was already in casting. The next message was the director saying he was casting me as the lead in his student film. Yin and yang in two messages.

The day turned around when the casting director called back asking me to come in later in the afternoon and Xan and I were able to work it out to leave work for the audition. So that was good. We danced well, and they said they were looking for people who were more spontaneous and less professional dancer. That's us. So now we wait.

The cherry was my friend getting free tickets to the musical "9 to 5," which stars Allison Janney, and calling me to accompany her. The music was great, the show was fun, and it was a blast to watch CJ from the West Wing sing and dance. She doesn't sing fantastically well, but she has magnetic presence and really is a great performer.

So that's my overdue update. "PS You're a Mess" opens the 27th, and we start tech on Sunday...I know it will come together, but right now we're certainly at the nail-biting stage.

I'm also doing the Cricket Feet Showcase again in November, and am eagerly waiting for my scene assignment. Tried the networking thing again at the bar after our first cast meeting...it's hard, man. Especially when you're not drinking.

My episode of Trivial Pursuit airs September 29th, if you want to watch me embarrass myself with my slow trigger finger and go home sad. That's all I'll say. You can find out your local station and air time here.

That's all for now. I bought a Flip last week, so watch out for some YouTube infiltration.

A First

I just got called to be a contestant on the Trivial Pursuit Gameshow. I passed the test last week and now I'm booked. This is hilarious. I'm gonna win big! ....on a game show!

Taping September 2nd. Send me your trivial knowledge.

Also, I over/misuse ellipses.